ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.