Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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