bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Randomize
