the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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