hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
