Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
