____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
