Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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