i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Who did Billy Mays play for?
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Randomize
