I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
