there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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