i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
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