I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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