We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
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His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
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They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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