Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Go christen that room with your naked body.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
