i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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