Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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