the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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