I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
