how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
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Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
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