Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Randomize
