It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Randomize
