he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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