I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
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