I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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