the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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