i would punch a child for taco bell
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
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