i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
