all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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