If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
