How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
