Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
