He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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