My liver just broke up with me...
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
