Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
jump out the window naked night went bad
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
