if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
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