i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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