so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
