I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
