Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
is wine microwaveable?
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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