I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
These tits shall not be calmed
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize