I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Randomize
