There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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