while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
