Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
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