Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Randomize
