Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
My ATM looks so different sober.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
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