I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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