my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
We were destined to go to rehab together
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
