I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
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