He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
