One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
zippers are such a cool invention
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Randomize
