I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
