A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
my shit smells like andre
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
