Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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