I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
17 year olds will be the death of me.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Randomize
