You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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