I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
