I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
